At first blush, it’s easy to see the idea of a couple sleeping apart as a big red flag. Think of it; how many movies and TV shows feature the bedroom as the nexus of relationship conflict? (Sitcoms, rom-coms, literally anything starring Paul Rudd.) When on-screen couples argue, bicker and criticize each other, sigh and roll their eyes and say I can’t believe you did that, it is often in the bed, with the children stowed safely away. We watch as things either progress positively, with forgiveness and conciliation, or negatively, with shouting or tears and finally … the ousting of one partner to the couch. To have someone kicked out of the love nest signals a truly difficult conflict.
But the research shows that a whole lot of us are sleeping in separate beds or in separate bedrooms for improved rest (22% from one study, 26% from another), and that includes yours truly, Willow’s own newsletter correspondent. I dare say there might be some eyebrows raised when I admit that; or perhaps not, since you might also be the parent of a young child or two and in the throes of some creative arrangements? Are you wondering whether my relationship is on the rocks? Or are you and your partner in a similar situation?
It’s not that I particularly enjoy sleeping away from my amazing partner of more than 16 years, the father of my children, the cheese to my macaroni. It’s just that … aren’t I supposed to sleep in my bed? Before we initiated this arrangement, even before the baby arrived last July (further escalating the problem like all newborns do), the wake-ups due to snoring or duvet-hogging and general restlessness were getting out of hand. I would get frustrated and wake him in a huff, which of course he did not appreciate, and round and round we went with increasing resentment on both sides.
The solution was clear, but the stigma remained. How could we not sleep in the same bed? In the same room? I remember bringing this up to my friend Caitlin, fellow mom of three, and she said, “But, well … you need to sleep.” Sleep. That’s what we both needed. And while we would miss the connectivity that comes with bed-fellowship, the quiet teamwork that it requires to go to bed together, at the same time, we were missing rest more. And so we shook off the stigma and committed to separate sleeping, with him in the guest room (a space with a door and a proper bed, as opposed to the couch, something we both agree is paramount to the continued happiness of this arrangement), and me in our king bed with the two big kids and the baby. Going to bed is an individual experience for him, and though it isn’t for me, I no longer get woken regularly except to nurse the baby.
Really, it’s not ideal; co-sleeping was not part of the original plan when we became parents, and neither was our sleep divorce. But if talking with Kiel this week gave me anything, it was the empowerment to be creative and to embrace and honor our collective need for rest. We’re better as a couple and better as a family. And, as she reminded me, it’s not forever.
So here’s to sleep, and for doing what works for you. Are you going to try it?
Shelley DeWees is a three-time Willow client who spends her days chasing her preschooler son and toddler daughter around her home in South St Paul. Her most recent addition, another boy, arrived just this past July! Shelley also loves going to workout classes and is an avid reader.