I was recently chatting with our beloved birth assistant Ariana Vasquez (who, it should be noted, is a newly-minted midwife!) about what it’s like to expand your family. She and myself both being moms of three, we get it; adding another baby to your household is no small thing, which explains why this question is so often on the minds of pregnant people that we find in our midst. And it’s understandable, because the idea of managing a toddler/preschooler and a newborn at the same time is understandably anxiety-inducing. But as Ariana and I both discovered, it will probably (mostly) not be as difficult as you might think.
When my second baby was born, my first was just 18 months old and teetering on the edge of toddlerhood. I’m not actually sure he remembers when his tiny baby sister appeared in our home, even though he says he does (“She was purple… was she purple?”), but I can say with certainty that he did not understand the gravity of the situation. A new life! Here! And now you’re sharing your mom! (We chose to have our children close together for many reasons, and this was one of them; we figured it would be easier to add a sister when big brother was too young to remember being an only child.) He therefore had no idea how worried I was that it would not go according to plan, that he would reject her immediately, that I would feel tremendously guilty that I’d made things hard for him.
At first, it was chaos. We lived in a two-bedroom apartment then, and it was bursting with baby stuff and the general messy mayhem that ensues in those first months. Breastfeeding thankfully was smooth sailing, but I would often have to get up and do/get/fill/find something for my toddler, leaky boob hanging out and all, and at those moments I remember thinking my body had turned into a literal party favor. I chugged coffee. I didn’t wash my sheets for weeks.
It was classic newborn life, but eventually it got better as I learned how to manage both of their needs with as much fairness as I could muster. I learned a whole new batch of mama tricks (baby falls asleep immediately once wrapped in a still-warm blanket from the dryer; toddler chills out during feedings if he gets a cup of expressed milk all to himself), and slowly, we found our feet. There we were, doing it. What else did I discover?
Boy oh boy, I was a seriously stressed-out mom the first time around. I remember going to the pediatrician four times in the same week, one of those visits for a fingernail that looked redder to me than normal. I ran to him the very moment he started to whimper, and I clung desperately to a regimented diet in order to ensure the most nutritious breastmilk possible. (I also had postpartum depression, turns out.) Second-time me was FAR more relaxed about the whole experience.
Making space for her in our lives was much easier that I thought it would be. We already had our patterns in place … early wake-ups, kid-friendly activities, nap times, meal times, early bed times. And we knew essentially what both kids needed to thrive. Our skills were already there.
My special relationship with my son did not suffer. It’s wasn’t as though my heart was only just so big and that somehow he’d now only get half my love. It was more like I’d become the Grinch: my heart grew three sizes bigger, swelled as it was with affection for both of my children. Somehow! Oh, what a feeling.
Many things are actually easier with two. Did you know that siblings entertain each other? I was surprised too! Having big brother around, alongside sis, has bought me so many moments that I didn’t have when it was just him and me all day. He has bought me a hundred showers, lots of kid-free moments in the kitchen (what relief, to have fully zero people pulling on my pants while I cook), and even a few drinking-coffee-on-the-couch-alone moments that I enjoyed while he and sister flew around the house dressed as superheroes. Thanks, buddy!
Ask me whether it was harder to go from zero to one, versus one to two (or two to three, as we did this summer!), and I’ll laugh, because the answer is just so absurd. Who knew that I’d figure it out, just like you will figure it out? We surely don’t have all the answers; none of us will be perfect parents. But if you’re wondering whether you can do it, the answer is yes.
Shelley DeWees is a three-time Willow client who spends her days chasing her preschooler son and toddler daughter around her home in South St Paul. Her most recent addition, another boy, arrived just this past July! Shelley also loves going to workout classes and is an avid reader.